I’ve never been more excited for a weekend in recent years than I am now. It’s not because of the theater class and the photo shoot later– in fact, they are odd slights to my otherwise blissfully quiet and solitary weekend. For the last couple of weeks, I haven’t really had the chance to be alone, to wake up and do things at my pace. And this weekend I get to have it: the chance to clean my condo, attend to my garden, be with myself, hang out with my cats, do nothing.
I haven’t written anywhere for a while but I can’t quite regret it. Regrets is only possible if one could have done otherwise but didn’t because of fears or failings. I could honestly say that I tried to answer to each moment these past few weeks. There are no lolling, dumb hours left. It amuses me that my last post was written on the last day of March– it was the last day of my contract in school as a teaching assistant. It was a question about a certain project that I had, and was never really answered. It was as if I was asking a question and in the middle of that breath, something slams me unexpectedly. The question is abruptly forgotten.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m happy with my life despite– or more accurately, because of– the unbelievable work and theater schedule. There is certain joy in sleeping exhausted every night, as opposed to watching the hours wax then wane into the morning and all the while a sense of dissatisfaction steadily grows. I remember my life in the academe always had nights like that. Likewise, the days did not quite separate themselves each other– indistinguishable in task, urgency, and disappointment. There was the underlying feeling of panic of not doing enough and not being enough that so pervaded my life that I could not read a non-philosophy book I liked without feeling guilty. That every moment was a failing to catch up with what I felt was a speeding train.
But that’s so different from where I am now.
Perhaps this is one of the tricks to life? Maybe one should always exhaust oneself by owning and rising to the challenge of each moment. So at night when you sleep, you sleep contented. Though you might not have finished as you expected, didn’t quite excel as you expected, you have done all that you could. That is all that could be asked of you.
Weekends, however… Weekends are respites, rewards.