How surprising you are! And how heartening is it to know that for you it was real, immediate, and lived. You alone are worth all the effort.
For a time I resented that the world seemed to reward you for doing things I thought shouldn’t be done. But as in all encounters with that which we hate, I was forced to examine myself to find where the sore spots are. I found new ways to be better and you have since disappeared from my purview. Now I realize you were never rewarded for your arrogance. It never made you happy. It was just the impotent salve to a sadness and desperation for love that is just, sometimes, too painfully apparent. I dislike you but not enough that I don’t commiserate your diminishing.
I know it’s always been an uphill battle for you because life was cruel or indifferent enough to have dealt you the crappiest cards. But more than anyone else and yes, despite your slips and moments of self-hatred, you are the person most dedicated to being happy and emotionally healthy. Neither of us are there yet, but I always look to you when I feel like giving up because you don’t.
Is what you have the peace of the wise or the slumber of the settled?
I’m sincerely glad that you found God. But I’ve run out words because I’m not at that point in my life anymore. The truth is, for some time now, I’ve lost that ‘personal relationship with God’ and I’m wondering if I ever had it or if I just had comforting delusions. Nevertheless, safeguard your journal pages and preserve your memories because I learned that when the going gets rough it’s only the pristine memory when everything is illuminated that keeps you together.